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У нас в семье так принято, что я иногда, если у жены нет сил, варю борщ, жарю сырники, мою и укладываю детей. Без лишнего напряжения, просто по мере необходимости.
Но мы привыкли, что от женщины требуют помимо прочего стройного тела и ухоженного лица. Само собой разумеется, что женщина следит за собой — ей так положено. Но как часто вы встречали мужчин, регулярно проходящих косметические процедуры? Ради эксперимента подойдите к охраннику в своем бизнес-центре и спросите его, делал ли он в этом месяце эпиляцию. Если он вас не ударит сразу же, поинтересуйтесь, делала ли в этом месяце эпиляцию его жена.
Мужчины часто считают, что шампунь может быть одновременно гелем для душа и вместе они могут быть заменены средством для мытья посуды. А, собственно, почему? Хотела ли моя жена, чтобы я сделал эпиляцию и маникюр? Не знаю. Но она точно не была против.
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Однажды мы с женой поспорили: смогу ли я удалить волосы со своей ноги с помощью восковых полосок. Я распарил полоску, приклеил ее, подождал и рванул. Полоска оторвалась, а воск вместе с волосами остался на ноге. Воск потом не отмывался ни мылом, ни маслом, бритва эти волосы с воском не брала, мне пришлось вырывать эту смесь из кожи маленькими клочками.
После этого я пообещал себе пользоваться исключительно услугами профессионалов.
Сначала я замахнулся на свою зону бикини. Но, посмотрев на себя в зеркало, понял, что невозможно точно определить, где она у меня начинается и заканчивается: у меня волосы и на бедрах и на животе. Странно бы смотрелся просто голый треугольник посреди мохнатого тела.
И я записался на эпиляцию подмышек. И на маникюр. Чтобы понять, через что регулярно проходят женщины. Жена моя великодушно согласилась сходить со мной: педикюр, коррекция бровей, эпиляция верхней губы — это всё никогда не помешает.
Поскольку я никогда не бывал в салонах красоты — мне и барбершопы-то казались каким-то баловством, — я оказался не готов к милой и расслабленной атмосфере внутри. В Wax&Go на Комсомольском все такие улыбчивые и учтивые, что начинаешь подозревать недоброе: если с тобой носятся бережно, будто с вазой династии Цинь, возможно твое внимание хотят немного усыпить перед болезненной и мучительной процедурой.
Вот опять же. Давно я не снимал рубашку в присутствии красивой и незнакомой женщины. Как себя вести-то? Поиграть мышцами или, наоборот, выпустить живот?
Тут надо отметить, что мастера в салоне ведут себя настолько корректно и доброжелательно, что всякая неловкость мгновенно проходит.
На столе у Дианы рядом с кушеткой, на которую я лег, задрав руки, стояли баночки с волшебного вида смесями — блестящими, переливающимися. Это и есть воск. Я думал, он выглядит как тот, из которого делают свечи. А он выглядит, скорее, как лак для ногтей. Ладно, решил я, об этом я мужикам рассказывать не стану.
Диана намазала мне воском подмышку. И вот это было удивительно. Оказалось, что легкое жжение от горячего воска — это самое сильное ощущение, которое связано с эпиляцией. Как Диана отрывала полоски, выдергивала мои волосы, я вообще не почувствовал. А она делала это так бережно, будто ребенка купала — прикладывала ладонь, протирала чем-то успокаивающим и приговаривала: «Тщ-тщ-тщ. Всё-всё-всё».
Да. Мужчины приходят часто. И зону бикини часто эпилируют. Вот перед вами был мужчина в толстовке армии обороны Израиля, видели? Он регулярно ходит ко мне на зону бикини. Не в смысле, что он на мою зону бикини заходит, а в смысле, я ему его зону эпилирую. Женщины сейчас эпилируют себе всё. И называется это «Голливуд», а не «бразильская». «Бразильская» — это когда оставляют треугольник или полосочку. Молодые уже ничего себе не оставляют. Только те, кто застал эротические фильмы девяностых, носят немного растительности там. О! А хотите я вам и в носу волосы удалю?
И вот это было чрезвычайно уместно: самому их вырывать и больно, и неудобно, а стричь машинкой бесполезно — еще быстрее растут и колются. И Диана легким движением избавила меня от этой проблемы — я даже щекотки не почувствовал.
А в холле меня уже ждала моя жена со вторым бокалом шампанского, идеальными бровями и такой же верхней губой.
Вышла мастер Любовь и пригласила нас на маникюр с педикюром.
Это было еще интереснее, уже потому, что было необычайно приятно: я давно не сидел в таком умиротворяющем состоянии полного покоя, в массажном кресле, рядом с красивой женщиной, которая заботилась о моих руках. Уж она мне и ногти пилила, и заусенцы все аккуратно срезала, и то, что принято называть странным словом кутикула, ровняла. А ногти у меня, надо признать, не в лучшем состоянии — я регулярно сбиваю их об железные гитарные струны.
Шампанское всё приносили и приносили, по огромному телевизору передо мной показывали какой-то модный фильм, который вот-вот должен получить «Оскара», кресло массировало меня, а Любовь мазала мои руки нежно пахнущим кремом.
Мне кажется, так и выглядит роскошь: покой, радость, забота, красота.
Что я могу сказать? Я могу сказать, что теперь у меня гладкие подмышки и очень красивые руки. И я совершенно уверен, что не потерял ни грамма своей маскулинности. Жена мне так и сказала: мужчина должен быть ухожен. Равноправие — это равенство обязанностей.
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